Burnt Out

burntout

I thought I could do it, I thought going to BritMums on Friday and Saturday would be brilliant and it was but I’m now paying the price. I am Burnt Out.

I was unable to rest and recover on Monday due to a last minute request to go to Preston Hospital to have an ECG.

I tried to recover on Tuesday but felt burnt out and stayed in bed. I was so exhausted that I forgot to stop taking my meds after lunch. I work so hard to remember to take my medication each day that I forgot to NOT TAKE IT.. in preparation for a new hospital test I was about to undergo.

Today when I woke up, I realised my mistake. I wanted to ring the Hospital and let them know I’d forgotten to stop my meds. They can’t do the test, they wouldn’t do it. The results would not be accurate. I tried to explain this to the person who arrived to take me to Hospital. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to ring the Endocrine Nurse, explain and rebook.

Instead I was whisked off to Preston Hospital to see the Nurse. I was too exhausted to even “think straight” to say “No” I need to go back to bed. I’m suffering from exhaustion! I simply could not think straight.

Of course I was right. The test had to be rebooked. I felt bad but I’m so burnt out I genuinely could not help it. I wanted to go home. My friend felt I would benefit by going out for breakfast! This is not what I wanted. I needed to go to bed.

I was so exhausted that I could not think straight to say “No”. I kept saying I was tired but my friend failed to hear me or see what I needed. She thought I just needed some time out. My mind was so fatigued I felt confused, I became stressed and anxious. As you would when you are sleep deprived. I finally got home at 11am and I fell asleep on the bed.

This afternoon, My daughter came home from school. I mustered up the strength to speak to her. She had forms that needed signing. I felt like my brain was going to explode. I was so shattered and I fought back the exhaustion. My daughter has no uniform day tomorrow. She wants Mummy to help her choose a “fashion style” to wear to school. I did not have the strength to do it.

Sylvia has sports day on Friday. She is in the Hawkins Team. She has to wear Yellow. I was really hoping to watch her running in the races. Last year she came first. I was so proud but attending Sports day last year made me very unwell for the whole week afterwards. My body simply could not cope.

So now as my husband tucks my child into bed, I tell her how sorry I am. I finally realise I am exhausted. I am burnt out! I can not watch my daughter at her sports day. I cannot go anywhere! I’m not even well enough to attend the hospital for “adrenal tests”. The only answer for me is to rest. Go to bed and sleep, sleep, sleep.

So why am I writing this..when I’m so tired? Why do I spend 10 minutes when my brain is shattered and my mind is unable to think clearly to blog? The answer is simple. It helps me to make sense of what is happening.

I write to understand myself.

I write to inspire others.

I write to raise awareness,

I write to raise money for an adrenal pump

I write to stay sane

And with that said, I am tucked up in bed ready to sleep and rest and recover for as long as it takes. How long will that be? I do not know!

I have awards to respond to, companies waiting for a response. I want to chat to my friends online. I want to socialise. I want to write my own blog posts and read the blogs that I love. I want to link up and comment and do all the other things Bloggers too…but I cannot.

I must rest!

I wrote an awesome poem about going to BritMums. I want to share it across the net. Maybe my hubby can do it for me! I need to write my sponsored post I agreed to. I just cannot do it. I am too unwell.

I will rest and when I have enough strength I’ll come back and continue on with my fight for flight and my fight to get well and earn a living.

Until then

Goodnight.

Angela Milnes xx